Self-Love: Healing Our Inner Division


Since our youth, many of us have been bred to be "divided amongst ourselves".

We were bred as children to feel as though we were never enough - never good enough - never strong enough - never capable enough - never successful enough - never caring enough - never smart enough - never responsible enough etc.

This developed an inner division in us where we developed a way of looking at ourselves as "unworthy" unless we "did something" to make up for ourselves - It's as though we were suppose to "atone" for being ourselves. Many of us as adults are still being driven by this internal shaming "critical parent" which prevents us from feeling worthy and happy with ourselves and our abilities. Instead of being motivated by enthusiasm and joy, we are being driven by shame and guilt.

Self-love is the process of dissolving this inner conflict and learning how to love ourselves again for just who we are. We can learn how to let go of the values that were forced upon us and learn how to honor our talents and our own internal values that ring true to our souls. Once we can again learn to believe in ourselves and our worthiness, we can fully become the happy and creative beings we were meant to be.

"Right living" as taught by many is an "act". Instead of being truly taught the innate value of virtues, we are manipulated by shame and fear how to "act". True virtue isn't an "act". It is allowing oneself to be moved from the heart by understanding virtue's inherent value.

We are imposed upon to learn values instead of taught and explained in a way that we could understand so we could digest and integrate virtuous Truth into our souls. We still feel shame when we view ourselves because we internalized the "wagging fingers" and criticisms of our teachers who thought virtuosity could be "forced" into us via the "punishment and reward" system. We were bred like Pavlovian dogs to chase carrots and run and hide from "whips". In short, we were bred to become codependent and base our value of ourselves upon what others thought of us. Our worth became dependant upon other people's opinions.


Self-love is the process of breaking free of the need for others approval and growing our own. We have to make conscious efforts to retrain our neuro-pathways to see ourselves as worthy, loving, and creative beings just as we are. We learn to validate ourselves regardless of our accomplishments or what others think. We learn to understand the need for self-respect and stop living by the guilt, shame and degrading self-paradigms that were bred into us since our youth.

Validation and self-respect are the opposites of the criticism and self-negation/neglect we were treated with in our youth. We need people who can coach us to do this so we can retrain ourselves to start validating ourselves instead of berating ourselves. Self-love is a prerequisite to loving others for if we don't have self-love we will continue to be addicted to looking outside ourselves for validation. We weren't loved enough in our youth so we never got a chance to feel good about ourselves. 12-Step programs or support groups are one way we can start to feel lovable until we can learn how to love ourselves again. Personal coaching however can be much more effective.

Some benefits of being coached in the art of self-love include:

- Learning how to feel good about ourselves

- Dropping the need to be dependent upon others for self-validation

- Freedom from addictive or compulsive behaviors

- Development of the courage and confidence needed to pursue our dreams

- Freedom from depression and despair


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If you have any questions or if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to call me at (203)744-4360 or e-mail me at